"Why do you want to adopt?"
If you are thinking about adoption now, you too have probably heard this question. Especially if you have biological children! If you are childless, than for most people the answer is more obvious if they know you. After we started getting this question instead of comments of well wishes and congratulations, I realized that people don't see adoption and having children biologically in the same way! Which is sad because I can say the feelings I had as I prepared for the birth of my first two children and the feelings I had anticipating the arrival of our adopted children (we tried to adopt two at once) were very similar except for the obvious differences. It's as if once a person is pregnant, it's a done deal, the child is on the way. It would be considered rude to ask. With adoption, especially a Ukraine adoption, there is no child yet in their minds. It's still just an idea. But as adoptive parents know, there IS a child in your mind AND growing in your heart and you prepare your family and home for the arrival of that new child. I think because of this difference, people feel it is okay to ask you why you want to adopt. On the contrary, few people would ask a pregnant woman why she is having a baby! If ever a person did offer congratulations, they still wanted to know why! Perhaps they too had thought of adoption or just were truly interested in this new chapter of our history and wanted to know more. It is for those people, and people visiting this site who are also interested in adoption that I include this page.
The short answer:
There are several reasons why we came to the decision to adopt. The main reason was our inability to have more children biologically and the desire for a larger family.
The long answer:
Before we adopted we were the parents of two terrific kids, Sarah and Stephen. They are almost 3 1/2 years apart. We had no problem getting pregnant with either of them. Two weeks after turning 26 years old Sarah was born and I was 29 when I had Stephen.
We had waited a year longer than I would have liked when we had Stephen but we had recently moved and I was in a new full time management position. I felt I had to give them at least a year before I gave up my position to go part time as was our plan so we waited. After Stephen was born, we started trying for our 3rd child a month before he turned 2 years old. We went to my regular OB-GYN doctor at first for treatment after about 6 months of no luck and then he referred me to a reproductive specialist doctor. The specialist diagnosed me with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome/Disease (click here for more information, "PCOS") but she thought with the right type of more powerful medications, we would be pregnant within a few months at the most. That didn't happen and I had an exploratory laparoscopy which showed my pelvis organs were okay, they had no scar tissue or what is often called endometriosis. My tubes were also not blocked at all. She was really stumped. On paper, and according to all our tests, we really should have been pregnant! I look back now and wonder if Heavenly Father's hand played a part in this and was the first step in leading me to my little boy Erik. At the time though, I was not very happy with Him! I didn't feel like I deserved this! Many of my closest friends were having more and more children and because of my infertility I felt like we were drifting apart. I was moving on with more grown, school age children while they were still at home with pre-schoolers. I felt like I didn't get the kind of emotional support from many of my friends and family because they either didn't know we were trying to have more children or they felt we were not being realistic in today's world to handle more children. I suppose for others it was a sensitive subject and they just didn't want to bring it up. Some people said we ought to be thankful for the girl AND boy we already had. That combination in most people's lives would be the perfect family! I even tried telling myself that all the time! I learned though from my reading, that my feelings were normal, that it didn't mean I was ungrateful for what I already had, but that I was mourning for the family that I had expected to have. I didn't have that desired family and I had to grieve for the loss of that family. I have to say that during this time, I grew a lot emotionally and spiritually. There's nothing like experiencing something terrible, in which you have no control over that thing, to teach you lessons on maturity, feeling more compassionate for others, relying on prayer, and reckoning with the idea of your will versus His!
We were now at the point in our treatment that we needed to try more aggressive and costly procedures to try and get pregnant. Even with those treatments, the odds were not in our favor. We decided we couldn't "gamble" with this. We told ourselves, that we DID already have two children and they would need to go to college, etc... Having no savings account and going into debt even more to try for more children that may not even come, or if they did, might come as triplets, quadruplets or even more just did not seem to be the right decision! If it was a sure thing, and for sure would have been only a single or twin pregnancy might have changed our minds but it was not a sure thing.
Having had children on our own, we knew that it's not biologically "having a child" that makes you a parent, it's the day to day raising of that child! Because of that, we felt we didn't HAVE to have more biological children and decided we would try to adopt a baby.
We called our church's social services and inquired about adoption. We learned it was their policy to place infants with couples who have no children or one child only. Since we had two biological children, we could only adopt children with special needs or older children. We considered this but in the end didn't feel we would be able to do this. At the time, our children were still young and needed our attention also, they both had asthma and although it was mild, we had some experience with taking care of a children with medical needs. I called some of the adoption agencies and was surprised at the cost and how long it was going to take. This alternative was also not a sure thing as I learned about the adoption process and the birth mother's rights. For instance, we could adopt a child and later be required to give that child back! This was happening more and more in the news and made me nervous. There were also not very many Caucasian children available. If we wanted a child to blend in with our other children, we would be looking at an even longer wait. To improve our chances, we would need to "market" ourselves in a way that a birth mother would choose us and then most likely, agree to many requests from that birth mother. An open adoption was the norm with continual "checking in" with the birth mother. We were finding that a domestic adoption of a Caucasian infant was not going to be easy for us. What birth mother was going to choose a Mormon couple who had two children of their own already and who were in there 30's! To a teenage girl or girl in her early 20's, we would not be her first pick! Instead, I ended up choosing a cute little dog named Chelsea and she became my baby!
At this time I also looked into international adoption. I called some agencies in town who did international adoptions and was floored when I heard how much that would cost. I told myself, for that kind of money, we could do a lot of fertility procedures and have our own child! Besides, we had just drained our bank accounts for our fertility treatments and in an effort to be in a better school district, we were going to be moving into a new house.
So, after this initial research with adoptions, we came to the conclusion that for us, adoption was not the answer we thought it would be.
Because it was still POSSIBLE for me to get pregnant on my own, I kept hoping it would someday still happen. On the other hand, I continued to try and accept our family as it was. Years went by and the thoughts of getting pregnant diminished. I tried to look at the advantages of just having two children but the joys of a larger family and the things that children learn from living in a bigger family kept coming to my mind. I came from a family of 5 girls and although it was crazy at times, I now enjoy the variety of personalities and the special relationship I have with each one. We were not spoiled growing up, we had to share bedrooms, bathrooms, learn to take turns and compromise.
More time passed and we now had Internet service on our new upgraded computer. Besides using email, I had joined an online group of pet owners who had the same breed dog that Chelsea was. I kept busy with my husband, 2 kids, dog, work, home, volunteer work at school, church and in the community. Then suddenly my 4 year old dog, "my baby", got sick and was diagnosed with a heart condition. I took her to a vet specialist for treatment but she passed away in her sleep by my bedside 8 days later. Needless to say, I was crushed. I love dogs and treat them like people anyway, but Chelsea was the baby I couldn't have and now she was gone. Why did life have to be so hard? I was depressed. My sister who also loves dogs, quickly reacted to my grief and got in touch with a friend of hers who was thinking of placing her retired show dog with a "pet family". Three weeks later, in September of 1998, Shiloh, a beautiful 5 year old Brittany was on a plane and coming to live with us. She was so different than Chelsea, mostly in size, and not as "co-dependent" as Chelsea who followed me everywhere, but she did help fill the void that Chelsea's death had created and I grew to love her. We still wanted to get a smaller, lap dog but I wanted to take my time. After the first of the year, I began to do some online research. I wanted to research the health of the different breeds and choose a breed that had few health problems. We ended up getting a Tibetan Spaniel who are known for their long lives! During my search, I had joined an online group of pet owners for Tibetan Spaniels. I found a well respected and well known breeder from this email group and Tyler came to live with us March 2, 1999 when he was 12 weeks old. Tibetan Spaniels are also very independent and the real lap dog in the family turned out to be Shiloh, the big Brittany! Tyler likes being close but he is not a real lap dog!
Since I was only working part time, and the kids were both in school all day, I had agreed to teach before school religious classes to the teenage youth from our church at our home. (Click "Seminary" for more information) Teaching classes for 2 years was wonderful. I loved having a room full of children in my home everyday! Perhaps I was meant to have children in my life like this, instead of having my own children. I grew to love them all and care about them. I felt I was finally accepting His will in my life. Again I joined an online group, this time made up of Seminary teachers. I eventually gave up my Tibetan Spaniel email group as my teaching took a lot of time.
It was during my second year of teaching, in January of 2000, that we were having a hard time at family meal times. The kids were so picky and meal times were not pleasant. My son Stephen seemed to be the worst. I went online and started to look for answers. I found some kid friendly recipes and other suggestions but found something even more interesting. On one of the web pages, there was a link to a web page that had photos of orphan children that were available for adoption all over the world. I was especially drawn to the children of Eastern Europe. They looked like they could be kids from our neighborhood school! There was a feature on the site to save a list of the kids you especially liked and I had a very long list! I found one sibling pair from Russia that were being handled by an agency in Washington. I sent them an email with the information they needed. I was getting excited with the idea that perhaps now adoption was going to be an option for us! With all the time I spent on the Internet, I was surprised with myself that I had never thought to research adoption! I anxiously awaited word from the agency and started talking to family and friends about adoption. I got a phone call a couple days later from the social worker at the agency I had emailed. She said the names of the children I had inquired about were Ivan and Zoya, I think they were 3 and 5 years old. She told me a little about their health, a few minor things but nothing serious. Then I asked how much it would cost to adopt them. She said the first child's fees were $16,000 and because the second was his sibling, the fees for her would be half that. That $24,000 would not include all other adoption costs or any travel. The adoption would easily cost well over $30,000. I told her that I was sorry but we were not in a position to pay that kind of money. I hung up the phone, and again was let down by the high prices that agencies charge. I just didn't understand why it had to cost so much money, it just didn't seem right. I know from talking to others that they would be able to raise another child and would be willing to take in a child but the hassles and expense of adoption keep them from doing it.
In spite of the fact that I knew we could not afford to do an international adoption, the thought of adopting just wouldn't leave my mind. I was drawn to the Internet for hours as I continued to research. I kept looking at those children's faces and longed to have another child or two. I wondered how we could come up with all that money. I went back to looking at adopting domestically. I saw pages and pages of creative web sites childless couples had built to "market" themselves to pregnant woman. I saw online adoption bulletin boards filled with pleas from families wanting to adopt. Because of abortion, 98% of all single mothers keeping their infants, the foster care system and the legal system here in the states, there are virtually no healthy, young children available for adoption unless you pay a lot of money. It is really a shame but the rights of abusive and neglectful parents seem to over rule the child's right to a stable healthy home. The courts are very big on keeping a child with their natural parents. There were web pages from attorneys, private agencies, and government agencies all looking to place children but I also learned the agencies have a lot of control over your adoption and I didn't like that either. I also didn't like the idea of the private agencies and attorneys making more money than was fair from adoptions. It was during this time of research on surfing the many Internet sites on adoption that I read about a woman in Florida named Cathy Harris who helped people adopt without an agency from Ukraine. I also learned that she did this for free! The only thing she asked for was a $500 donation to the orphanage her adopted children came from. It sounded too good to be true!
I immediately sent Cathy Harris this email on January 21, 2000:
Hi Cathy,
My name is Julie _______. I live in _________ with my husband Paul, and my daughter Sarah age 12, son Stephen age 9 and my two dogs!
I just wanted to thank you, thank you, thank you for your tireless work on behalf of so many Ukraine children and your help with the families who are looking to create the family of their dreams! Your kindness is overwhelming!
Your words and pictures on your web site really moved me and uplifted me as you described your adoptions and visits to Ukraine. I read every word and looked at almost every picture! You are such a neat lady with a big heart! What a beautiful family you have created for yourself and so many others.
I was referred to your site from an adoption bulletin board that was discussing the high fees and hassles of many adoptions. I never knew that independent adoption was an option and then when I did, I thought I could never do it. Yet after going to your site and reading your words, it gave me hope that we could actually do this "adoption thing" independently!
We are now at the "thinking seriously stage" of adopting 1-2 children and I have been online hour after hour, late into the night, learning all I can before we jump in. Who needs sleep anyway! °Ü°
I would be honored to be another one of your families featured on your site one day! I'll keep you posted as to our progress!
Your newest friend,
Julie _________
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Cathy then sent me several emails with detailed instructions, lists of documents that we would need to collect, and information on what was included in the translators fee. I continued to email others who had adopted from Ukraine and joined a couple public email lists for people adopting from Ukraine and Eastern Europe.
As a family, we continued to learn, ponder and pray about growing our family through adoption, and especially adopting from Ukraine with Cathy's help.
On February 3rd I wrote her back this email:
Dear Cathy,
I wrote to you a couple weeks ago and you have already sent me three very good, "get started", emails. I have actually signed up for several email lists and have learned a lot. Do you also have an another separate by invitation only list that I might subscribe to as I have heard? If you do, we would like to subscribe. My husband and I are getting SOOOO close to going ahead with a Ukraine adoption. We most likely will make our decision this week and get started with our paperwork as you outlined. I am really excited about all that I am learning!
Have a good day,
Julie (and Paul) _________
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To learn more about why we decided to adopt from Ukraine, please go to the page, "Why Ukraine?".
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By the second week of February 2000, we came to the decision to "go for it" and our decision was confirmed to our family as we prayed. I tried to contact Cathy but I learned she would be in Ukraine for two weeks. I was in contact with a good friend of Cathy's, named Ann who I had met on the public email list and she got me started and was a great support in those first few weeks. Paul and I picked up our INS form (I-600A) and returned it with various vital records on February 17th, our journey had officially begun!
